my thoughts

so i had left to go to college, and had never been happier. when i first got here, it was fabulous. i made friends instantly and was having the time of my life. it seems as though everything for me has always been to good to be true. here i am, in my dorm room, on a friday night. by myself. not one friend. not one person to hang out with. i haven't eaten all day today, only because i have no one to go with me to get food. i was so happy. i was so eager to be on my own, and to be away. but i never really wanted to be in connecticut. i never really wanted to go to this school. i only picked it because i got in, and it had a music industry program. and now i'm stuck here. miserable. i sit in my room and dread knowing that at some point, my roommates will come back. i want to cry, but i can't cry in front of them. i need a hug, but i do not have one person that would even think about giving me one. its always been the hardest thing for me to put my feelings out. i don't even know if this is making sense. i would so much rather keep this bottled inside of me. because at least there, i know it's real. here, on this computer screen, it's just a bunch of words that mean nothing to you. i think that i really need love. my whole life i have been searching for love. possibly because i have never had it from home. i mean, i know my mother loves me, and i even know that my brother loves me. i definitely know that my aunt loves me, but she lives so far. and now, she's even farther. yes everyone is always just a phone call away, but that isn't as comforting as having someone hold you when you cry. all i need is a shoulder to lean on, and i've never really had one. i have all my girl friends, and i know we all love each other unconditionally. i would do anything for my girls, but they have their own problems to deal with, and they all have their own shoulders to cry on. and i'm always there when they need to talk. and yes, i know i can talk, but i feel no comfort. my best friends, are literally all over the world. the strangest part about this whole situation is that a few weeks ago, i was traveling down the highway by my house, and an old friend pulled up in the car next to me. strangely enough, this is the kid that i always yet through elementary school. you know the kind of hate like... you have a crush but you're to young to know what it is. well anyway, he came to a party at my friends house, with the intentions of hooking up with my best friend.. they hooked up whatever. it didn't work out.. and now, i have been talking to him. and it's actually really comforting. this is a kid i have known my whole life... and idk, i kinda like it. i guess i have always had feelings for him, but i thought nothing of it. and he is being really sweet. like he says he wishes he could be here and snuggle with me because i'm upset. and he would come visit me, but he has work. and i guess it might just be comforting because i'm upset, and tomorrow... it could mean nothing. and last night when he texted me he was drunk, so i really thought it was just he was drunk and horny and wanted someone to talk to, but he texted me again today... idk i guess it's just cute to me. i'm just a mess. i need a friend. i don't have anyone. no one gets it here. like what doens't make sense. is it not clear that i just got fucked over by both of my good friends here... one of them just ditched me for no reason. i don't even know. we had plans tonight, but she changed her mind and went out with her roommates, and i'm stranded, without an invite. i always feel alone. i never fit in. it takes me years to find people i fit in with. shit. i just hate my life. so three weeks ago, i hooked up with this kid mark i met here at school. i really like him. idk why. i barely ever see him. the last time i saw him was literally a week ago. and we live in the same building. but i like him, and i like to talk to him. but i'm afraid to be like lets hang out again... because idk, i talk to him all the time, but i'm afraid he might say no. and when i'm with him, he always jokes around and says he is going to hit me. or one day we were laying in bed together and he said he was going to push me off the bed. so i think he is joking now, but what if things get more serious, and we're in a relationship and he is abusive. i really don't know how to go out and make friends. like whenever i make friends, it just kinda happens. i've never not had friends and needed to go out there and make them... i really just want to go home.

"Who says you can't go home
There's ony one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone, who says you can't go home
Who says you can't go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, its alright"

hmm. i'm just hangin in there :(

i went to the counselour, maybe she could give me some inspiration. she sees nothing wrong, but here i am. unable to even leave my dorm room. because i'm too upset...