ughh

i need to start working harder on this body of mine
no more flab
can't wait to hit the gym HOPEFULLY sunday.

haven't written in too long

workouts. starting fresh
monday- 100 burpees for time - 10:57
tuesday- resting


my body- starting to look and feel better. bellybutton=pierced! so happy bikini here i come! can't wait for summer

tanning- my stress relief
playing the flute- i need to devote myself to perfecting 8 measures a day again. cause not playing at school SUCKS. so i will be doing that everyday. my other stress relief




life-well, things with my mom are not well. actually she just gave me my birth control. thank god. i'm not really into the whole having my period every two weeks thing due to stress, which i always have. unfortunately. i'm workin on it though. hmm me and my brother made up. and he told me things he's not supposed to tell anyone. and that's pretty cool. cuase that shows trust. which is awesome. and we bonded about my mom, schooll, even partying. and i loved it. i just need a hug from him. some sort of closure. i'm picking him up from the train tomorrow. he's going to the parade. wish i was! but whatever life goes on. that's another thing. my mom just called miss weren a shit! haha, cause we were talking about the parade. alright distractions. so another problem. i was supposed to go to the parade tomorrow with lacey and then they were going to her boyfriends sisters house in ny. so she decided to leave today... and wanted me to meet her. ohkay well i think its rude that i wasnt invited to your boyfriends sisters because i invite the both of you to stay with my family always. just rude and inconsiderate. her and jess are suppoesd to be my best friends. but i'm nothing when they're with their boyfriends. yes i'm glad they're happy. but i should never be forgotten. because i am always there for them. i don't expect to be like number one in anyones life, thats not my point, but i dont like being forgotten. jess has just been weird lately, not just because of her bf. but she still texts me and stuff and says she misses and lvoes me, and considers me. and invites me places. whatever. enough of them

cara, my other best friend is in the hospital. its no fun visiting her but i think she'll be fine. at least i hope so, cause i love her.

whatever, i have my real friends and i know who they are. <3 they're all always far away though

i really wish i was in philly right now..

oh well, moms controlling. that just means im escaping school for a weekend. come on a friday evening and leave monday, cause i can afford to miss monday classes :)


so i think i've given myself an image of being this heartless, hate filled person. but actually i'm filled with love, and lots of it. i want the best for everyone, well not everyone, just the people i know personally. i want love to fill my life. i want love from my family, my friends, and someone speacial. so far the only place i've really found it is in my friends. my family i'm confused about. my aunt always wants me to come, and my cousins too, and i'm definitely living there there this summer. but my mom said that my aunt was on the phone with her and she was like HELLO I WORK in reply to me going there this week. that confuses my brain aand hurts my heart. a lot. i'm sure it was out of anger, and she just meant that she couldn't come get me. but still, that wouldn't be how my mom told me it. ahh, idk.



so mitch
the boy
don't know what to think or do
he always says love you! or love you too
calls me love, sweets, or babe..
stares
listens
concerns..
i always worry about him

but a long distance relationship- no.

oh and i really think, that i just made it that we're friend based . because we used to joke about being soulmates and stuff. but then it really just turned into a joke. and now its not like that anymore.. but like, i kinda think its true. because this is how the joke started, we were getting lunch, and a cafeteria came up and was interrogating us and said that we were going to get married someday cause we were best friends and all of this stuff... and idk, it all started from there.. and like, i find myself worrying about him all of the time because he goes on crazy adventures. like the other day, while in connecticut, my friend alex, her bf henry, and me ventured to mitch. and he took us to some church and him and henry traveled down some alley, but me and alex ran away and waited for them haha.. and apparently they got to the top of an overpass that looks over I95. what a nut. idk, what to do waht to do. and like i feel like he cares about me too, but like he can talk about other girls, and i don't get jealous not one bit. and i guess thats just because i love him. and when you love someone you want them to be happy... like he can flirt with girls in front of me, even my friends, and i don't care. sometimes i can get mad cause its my friend. but i don't really mind... weird.
but i've always been like that. i just don't know. like even way back to joe ciappina, i broke up with him because i cared too much for him, and felt bad that he had to worry about me being upset because of my dad. dude, thats a boyfriends job.

don't feel like writing anymore

love you <3

stuck in a train station

there is no better time to blog, than sitting in crowded New York Pennsylvania Station, waiting two hours for a train.

what to do i've been thinking. cry? no can't cry. i'm a champion. i had a silly mix up with my tickets. it happens.
i love train stations. i wish i didn't have all of this stuff with me... but oh well. i'll just sit here...

can't wait to workout tonight. i really need it. and i'm going tanning. todays a huge stress day. but i'm not letting it get to me..

thank god for wifi. that's a blessing haha
so i have been thinking a lot today about my body.
i need more motivation. i am going to print out words that inspire me and hang them on my wall
and print out pictures that inspire me and hang them up as well. i'm going to put something on my ID so when i eat, i am inspired to choose the right thing. idk, i just need that kindof thing because sometimes, stuff happens and i give up.

i don't even know what to blog about since i wrote only a few hours ago. i just want to be out of connecticut. i wish i didn't have to take the train back there. it sucks.

i can't wait to get into another school. i feel good about myself that way.

so anyway, i know what i'll tell you!

my friends all got in trouble last week for pictures of them drinking in our dorm on facebook. good thing i wasn't in those pictures... OH WAIT i was. but i didn't get in trouble. strange. only meg, jill, and brittany did. alex and i were there, but didn't get reported. WELL this has cause a huge dispute between my best friend jill, and my best friend meg. we're sorta a trio at school . and now meg and jill aren't speaking. i don't like choosing sides, but in this situation, i did. Jill is photographed drinking out of a bottle of captin morgan, meg has it in her pimp cup. HARD EVIDENCE. meg lied and said it was iced tea in the cup, leaving jill to get all of the blame. i am veryyyyyy mad at meg for that decision. it was her alcohol, jill's birthday, and she's lying because she doesn't have the money to pay the fine. understandable, but you're lying. you never leave a friend like that. its $250, not pocket change for the average college student. and she is also trying to become an orientation leader. they know its alcohol in your cup. alcohol is in the picture with you. its your alcohol. take the blame. be a friend. i understand where she is coming from but it would be different if she was in it by herself. i would neverrrrrrr leave a friend to take all of the blame, or lie.

anyway.

i'm going to do like all of my english homework for the rest of the semester because i brought my book and syllabus, and have nothing better to do. might as well be productive. the goal is straight A's, because for the first time in my life, it's all about me. i'm always coming FIRST.

<3

sundaay. last day in feb

i'm headed back to school today. can't wait to get to the gym tonight. i'm going hard this week. i went tanning yesterday, it helps me relieve my stress, and i realize how the only thing i want in life is to really feel comfortable in my own skin. and the main thing is my weight. so i'm super determined. i'm getting new sneakers this week. and some new workout clothes. i love working out and i always feel better when i do, so i'm doing. everyday. on rest days i'll walk more. i'm determined.

as for eating, i am going to make sure i eat a sufficient amount of protein everyday. i need to go food shopping at school too. veggiesss need to be in my fridge at all times. i don't eat much, but i need to start. breakfast, lunch, and dinner. and munch on some veggies once or twice a day. i also need to drink more tea. lots of it. :) because i love it and it relaxes me. which is something i really need.

i think i might go tanning at school too. after the gym. i need to focus on relieving my stress.
i'm not worried about my friends. too much drama with them. we'll hang out to do our homework, and on the weekends that's about it.
i'm not drinking for at least two weeks. because i don't need it.

i have three gym buddies now. jill, alex, and allie.
jill is really skinny and it will be easy for her to get back in to shape which makes me jealous, but at least ill feel more accomplished.

alex wants to strength train and what not with me

and allie almost never goes.

but, i'll go myself if they're not available.

and from today on, everyday, my workout will be posted.

my mom complains about being fat everyday, and thats just not what i wanna be. like my mom.

i'm just happy with my thoughts today.:) need to look good for the summmerrrr

another snow storm

sick of the snow. absolutely can not wait for the summer
but i only want summer if i am going to look good.
my biggest problem is my lower belly. i can't get it to go away
so far i am seeing results everywhere but there. but i am hoping that will change.
another problem i have is my huge calves. i mean they're all muscle, but i can't even where boots becasue they won't fit over them... that is a burden. because idk how to get them to become smaller. it seems exercise will only increase the size.

this weather always brings me down. and my mom, she isn't making me much happier. my jewlry box is still packed away since she moved into this hosue. numerous times i have gone upstairs to find my stuff in the attic and can't. and she tells me to go up there and look for it. i think she should find it. she's up there everyday. wtf she apparently knows where my stuff is.

i'm really worried i'm not going to get into a school. i really hope i do . monmouth preferably. i can't be ready for an audition in a month. lets just face it, i am out of practice from not having an ensemble to play in. my flute needs to be cleaned and have new pads, and i can't teach myself everything. that is why i am in school. i hope this works out. :( if not idk what to do...

i have no positive thoughts at the moment.

i just have to think positive.
i will look good this summer.
i will get into school.
and i'm going to have a good job, and make lots of moneys.

life is good. it's always good

:D

so i'm feeling good day.
looking better
feeling better. i like it :)

i pushed myself hard this week, an i'm so glad. can't wait for this weeks workouts. i recruited my friend meg to the gym everyday. she gained 75lbs after breaking her leg and not being able to exercise for a year and half. she used to rune veryday and work at the gym. i'm glad that shes working out again. :D

eatings getting hard! but i'm going to stay healthy. i can do it!

so i'm excited. i'm loving 2010 and feeling like a lot of new exciting things will be happening.
as for today, i am going to go see dear john and then going to go cry and cry, and be sad that i don't love anyone like that right now. and that valentines day is coming and i will be alone. my friend jill's boyfriend is visiting and they are the cutest couple i've ever been around. i am so jealous, because i want that for myself. but i'm so happy for her. everyones time comes, just have to wait for mine.

i'm stressed because i want to transfer. i compared the academic worksheet. and classes at monmouth seem to be more effective in teaching music. this school isn't going to cut it. i'm not playing enough. i'm not learning enough.i haven't heard back from the education department since tuesday. so they have me hanging by a string. that's it i'm out. now jsut waiting to hear from monmouth, and if it's a no, applying to other schools.

anyway.. spring break! in philly?! sounds good.

i can't wait for the summer. i already have a job lined up! and will be living with my aunt, and hopefully my mom is getting me a car. :D so happy.

summer i want to work hard. save for my own car insurance, and HAWAIII IN DECEMBER?! i also must take surfing lessons, and i decided, that's wehre i want to be a teacher.

end of story.

ugh i don't even know waht else to write.

<3

my thoughts of the week

well i'm poor, and have no job, awesome. job hunting starts tomorrow.
i am going to go tanning tomorrow it makes me feel good about myself.
i want my nose pierced... any thoughts?
i am feeling better, and can't wait to really start looking better. (1/4 of the way through holllla).
i feel that this is finally something i can stick to. which is fantastic. it's always been my dream to have a nice body when i'm laying on the beach, which is my favorite thing to do.

i'm determined.
right now i just got done working out and the sweat is rolling off my back. ew haha. but feels great. i am going to have a great nights sleep.
lets see other thoughts.. hmmm

i have homework. reading for four classes actually. ickkkkk
going to get a's :)

ahh ohkay early night it's already nine i have reading to do and sleeping to do. and up by 8am