so i can't even explain how excited i am for january first.
i'm going though a hard time in my life. but i can't wait to finally do something for myself.
i feel like, i have no real close friends that are around.
my mom, she keeps making me feel like shit because i got into a car accident in april that wasn't my fault.
i can't wait to go to my aunts house

my two best friends here
lacey and jess are drifting because all of sudden jess thinks that the three of us together is a problem, but when its just two its fine. so i think she's saying i'm a problem because i'm not around all of the time.

i just want it to be the new year
i've been eating everything since i'm home
but i'm sayin it's the last harrah..

idk

ahhh life.

wake up in the morning feelin like SAM A*****O <3

it hit me, i figured out exactly what i want out of the next few months

today, 12/11/09 i have decided to start my work out routine

today i have a date with fran

21 thrusters, 21 push ups

15 thrusters, 15 push ups

9 thrusters, 9 push ups

for time.

i'm amped.

my 100 days of paleo, accompanied by my best friend, begins january first. i know this will be a success. whenever i have someone to motivate me, even if it's only though a computer screen, i feel like i'm not alone. i can't wait to cleanse my system and rid my body of any toxins.

April 10th 2009 marks the end of my 100 days. My goal is to be at most a size 8 jean, look better, feel better, and know that i can continue to move towards my final goal which i have not decided what that ultimately is. I know it will concern my weight, which at my height five foot three inches, should be between 120-130lbs. right now i am 200lbs, and i couldn't be more disgusted.

i'm off for a good nights sleep. can't wait to wake up in the morning, and hit the gym. that's my first priority. then some breakfast! then chatting with my best friend <3>

my rewards are to get two tattoos
1.) treble bass clef heart on my left foot with some cool design that will fall into place later
2.) the words "nil desperandum" which means never despair on my right hip bone. its a saying i live by. and i'm not letting my self become desperate now, and i hope i never will

my ultimate reward, if i look the way i want to, and feel great about myself is to get my belly button pierced!! can't wait to be a hot mama on the beach in cali <3 ha




so i think i'm really getting down on myself lately is because christmas marks 2 years since my fathers death. its the hardest thing i've ever dealt with. not having him , not having my brother to be there for me, or share things with. my family lifes a mess and it gets me down

ugh :/

good night

thoughts

sometimes i feel as though i'm going to be alone forever. actually, it's not just sometimes, its usually all the time. this has been my biggest worry lately. every time i get close to someone and develop feelings, we stop talking. i don't even have to say i have feelings for them or anything. it's like everyone is scared. idk what to do. i just really think i'm going to be alone forever. and that scares me more than anything else. all of my friends have someone. and i can't stand not being able to find someone for myself.

as for the rest of my life,

i am devoting myself to

a half hour of the flute once a day, at least.

my new diet, i can't wait for it.

i started taking new vitamins

i feel great. i just can't wait til i fell 300% because i'm eating right and exercising regularly again.

so as for everything besides being alone, life is good.

but i'm still afraid of being alone forever.

hello hello. i know i haven't written in a while. so let me give you an update :)

well i finally am all moved into my new room ! with my awesome roommates flo and miriam.

flo, miriam, and olivia. sounds like names straight off of a sitcom. ha

well things are great in my new room. i couldn't be happier with my current living arrangements considering the ones that were available.

i'm start to eat really healthy. i enjoyed pistachio nuts and water along with my vitamins for breakfast, a nice cobb salad for lunch, and stuffed shells with a piece of fish and peas for dinner.

the gym, i haven't gotten there today, but i was busy moving. up and down the stairs. ha. i did crunches too. but tomorrow, i'll go hardcore.

boys, hate them. mark hasn't talked to me since last night. and i started the conversation. ick. but the night before that i told him i was upset because thoughts of my brother and my father filled me head. he said if i needed anything to call him. i thought that was sweet. but then he didn't bother to check in on me or anything... which i would have liked. but hey, it's a start.

al, the kid from like elementary school was in the hospital two nights ago for a shoulder injury playing football. he isn't feeling well, but i can't wait to see him this weekend.

this weekend i can't wait for.

autumn, is my absolute favorite. i love the weather, i love the smell, i love the color. i love the feeling that you get from all of things combined. its a warm soothing feeling. it reminds me of my childhood playing in the park. all i want to do is sit outside with a cup of tea and a good book.

i miss new jersey.

i miss middletown

i miss leonardo

i miss atlantic city

i miss the excitement

and the familiarity home gives me

i fear the unknown.

i think people here are weird

i miss my music

i want to be in a real band

i miss my friends

i miss my cats

i miss my dad

i miss my car

i miss my bed

i miss my beach

and i miss my stores

i even miss working at mcdonalds

i want change

i want to be happy

i want a job

and i want someone to love

i want someone to cuddle with when i feel lonely at night

i want a kitchen

i want a car

i want my girls to watch sex and the city with

and talk about boys

i just want to feel at home

i miss my gym

i miss my walks to the rocks

i miss the comforts of what i've always known

i think what i'm really longing for is someone to comfort me. and it's starting to bother me, that i'm always getting let down. why must i always get this feeling?

i feel let down through this school. i feel like i'm not getting taught. just tested. and i'm not becoming a musician. i'm becoming a nothing.

i feel let down by my family, they don't get what i mean. they're not hear. they think it's my fault.

i feel let down by love. because i don't have someone to love

i feel let down by my friends, because they're all consumed in their efforts to make their love stronger.

i just feel, lost.

off to bed

today, part two.

well, since i have no one else to share my experiences with, i figured i would just write it here. i decided to be adventurous and walk to seven eleven on my own. i walked whatever, it was nice. so when i came back, i was sitting on the bench outside of my building. i was on the phone. then mark came over and sat with me, he's sick. <-- sucks for him. then he left whatever. so then this kid was like, do you mind if i sit with you? I'm really drunk. so of course, i was like yeah sure. so he sat with me told me about his night, his morning, his afternoon, and that his good friend died in a drunk driving accident last thursday :( he said she was driving down 95, and drove right off the road into a tree. this makes me think. why is anyone possessed to drink and drive. if you know that you're not ohkay to drive, then why do it? another think my new drunk friend told me, was that his friend that died had sent a bumper sticker earlier that day. it was something like life isn't about how you die, you should enter your casket sideways because you had a good time. he said he cried his eyes out about his friend, but at least she did have a good time while she was here. i just feel terrible. he was telling me the story, but i couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time. he really was upset. and he really was completely wasted. and i guess he just needed a friend. i'm glad that i was there for him. idk if i will ever see zach again, but at least he had someone to talk to. he told me to cherish every moment i'm here for. he is a senior, he is envious that i am freshmen. i think that is funny, becuase of course, i'm envious that he is a senior. but that's how it always goes. no matter what we are, we are never satisfied. we always desire to be the opposite, or what we think might be better, and when we finally get there, we always wish to go back...

it's a new day

well, was up til five in the morning... why? because i was hanging out with the boy that i think may one day be abusive in a relationship. he was really drunk when he got back from the club and wanted to hang out with me. so, i sat with him well he talked about ridiculous things like his socks, and his friends, and sobered up. so, after a while, things got a little heated. of course, we both knew what we wanted to happen. we almost got to that point, but, we were sitting in the common room, and all of the sudden at four thirty in the morning, people started walking around. so we stopped everything that was going on, and parted ways for bed. i guess, i am feeling better today, only because i hung out with him. but, idk. i still don't feel as i want to be here. i really don't have much emotional attachement. i can't wait to go home on the ninth, and i'm going to hang out with my friend from when i was little. i really can't wait to be with him. i just got off the phone with my ma. she is going to a wedding today, so she is happy. and i have a friend named flo, i think it's a sign since my aunt flo is my idol. i need to go take a shower, i'll write more later. just wanted to leave a little update. tata

my thoughts

so i had left to go to college, and had never been happier. when i first got here, it was fabulous. i made friends instantly and was having the time of my life. it seems as though everything for me has always been to good to be true. here i am, in my dorm room, on a friday night. by myself. not one friend. not one person to hang out with. i haven't eaten all day today, only because i have no one to go with me to get food. i was so happy. i was so eager to be on my own, and to be away. but i never really wanted to be in connecticut. i never really wanted to go to this school. i only picked it because i got in, and it had a music industry program. and now i'm stuck here. miserable. i sit in my room and dread knowing that at some point, my roommates will come back. i want to cry, but i can't cry in front of them. i need a hug, but i do not have one person that would even think about giving me one. its always been the hardest thing for me to put my feelings out. i don't even know if this is making sense. i would so much rather keep this bottled inside of me. because at least there, i know it's real. here, on this computer screen, it's just a bunch of words that mean nothing to you. i think that i really need love. my whole life i have been searching for love. possibly because i have never had it from home. i mean, i know my mother loves me, and i even know that my brother loves me. i definitely know that my aunt loves me, but she lives so far. and now, she's even farther. yes everyone is always just a phone call away, but that isn't as comforting as having someone hold you when you cry. all i need is a shoulder to lean on, and i've never really had one. i have all my girl friends, and i know we all love each other unconditionally. i would do anything for my girls, but they have their own problems to deal with, and they all have their own shoulders to cry on. and i'm always there when they need to talk. and yes, i know i can talk, but i feel no comfort. my best friends, are literally all over the world. the strangest part about this whole situation is that a few weeks ago, i was traveling down the highway by my house, and an old friend pulled up in the car next to me. strangely enough, this is the kid that i always yet through elementary school. you know the kind of hate like... you have a crush but you're to young to know what it is. well anyway, he came to a party at my friends house, with the intentions of hooking up with my best friend.. they hooked up whatever. it didn't work out.. and now, i have been talking to him. and it's actually really comforting. this is a kid i have known my whole life... and idk, i kinda like it. i guess i have always had feelings for him, but i thought nothing of it. and he is being really sweet. like he says he wishes he could be here and snuggle with me because i'm upset. and he would come visit me, but he has work. and i guess it might just be comforting because i'm upset, and tomorrow... it could mean nothing. and last night when he texted me he was drunk, so i really thought it was just he was drunk and horny and wanted someone to talk to, but he texted me again today... idk i guess it's just cute to me. i'm just a mess. i need a friend. i don't have anyone. no one gets it here. like what doens't make sense. is it not clear that i just got fucked over by both of my good friends here... one of them just ditched me for no reason. i don't even know. we had plans tonight, but she changed her mind and went out with her roommates, and i'm stranded, without an invite. i always feel alone. i never fit in. it takes me years to find people i fit in with. shit. i just hate my life. so three weeks ago, i hooked up with this kid mark i met here at school. i really like him. idk why. i barely ever see him. the last time i saw him was literally a week ago. and we live in the same building. but i like him, and i like to talk to him. but i'm afraid to be like lets hang out again... because idk, i talk to him all the time, but i'm afraid he might say no. and when i'm with him, he always jokes around and says he is going to hit me. or one day we were laying in bed together and he said he was going to push me off the bed. so i think he is joking now, but what if things get more serious, and we're in a relationship and he is abusive. i really don't know how to go out and make friends. like whenever i make friends, it just kinda happens. i've never not had friends and needed to go out there and make them... i really just want to go home.

"Who says you can't go home
There's ony one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone, who says you can't go home
Who says you can't go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, its alright"

hmm. i'm just hangin in there :(

i went to the counselour, maybe she could give me some inspiration. she sees nothing wrong, but here i am. unable to even leave my dorm room. because i'm too upset...